The commentators on the news this morning are at it again. It seems that yet another study has come out revealing the astounding information that working moms struggle with guilt and stay-at-home moms struggle with feeling unfulfilled. Really? This is news? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure there are also some working parents who feel unfulfilled and some stay-at-home parents who feel guilty. In fact, I’m pretty sure that there are plenty of people who don’t even have kids who yet manage to feel both guilty and unfulfilled at the same time. Has anyone considered the possibility that both of these emotions are just an unavoidable part of what it means to be human?
In case anyone is wondering, I am both a stay-at-home and a working parent. That is to say I work part time, and largely either from home or with my daughter accompanying me to work. This is the new thing, this working and parenting simultaneously thing. It’s touted as the perfect compromise that means no one has to give up anything, and know what? That turns out to be what we in the religion game like to refer to as a lie. Working from home largely means the following for me: It means I get to experience both the guilt over leaving my child to learn witchcraft from Dora the Explorer for hours at a time (parents of pre-schoolers, back me up. We all know Dora’s a witch, right?) at the exact same time I experience the frustration of knowing that my work will never, ever really get done. Guilt over the ploys I use to distract my child coincides with aggravation at how ineffective they actually are. Everyone gets cranky, and we all need a nap.
Know what? I’m pretty sure that all the guilt, all the aggravation, all the moments of feeling like a failure at pretty much everything are in no way indications that anything is really wrong. I never signed anything that said I get to be happy all the time, or have everything go my way. The Bible says straight out in Romans 8 that frustration is part of God’s plan for the world. That verse is right before the popular passage about nothing being able to separate us from the love of God. I’m pretty sure it’s not a coincidence that those two ideas are presented together, or that everyone always quotes the victorious bit at the end and glosses over the whole “aggravation is part of the plan” bit.
So, if we accept the premise that a certain amount of headaches, doubts, and regrets go with any path we choose, what do we do, especially with regards to the challenges of turning children into functioning human beings with minimal neurosis? Well, I look at it this way: It takes a certain amount of time, energy, attention, and bread-winning to make and keep a home and raise a family in it. There are many different ways to split that work up, and how each family wants to manage that is really up to them. Maybe it takes both parents at work just to pay the bills (or maybe there’s only one parent and you do the best you can do.) Maybe it takes a full time parent at home to attend to the business of homemaking. Maybe you both work part time or maybe grandma moves in to help out. All of those systems are fraught with aggravations of their own. It doesn’t matter what set-up you come up with, you’re going to have to work a few things out, so take a deep breath, switch off all the angry voices in your head, and figure out what is the best use of everyone’s time and resources. Just remember these two things.
1. Domesticity matters. Whether it’s someone’s full-time job or everyone’s part-time job, home, and all that goes with it, is terribly important. The temptation to measure self-worth by net-worth is overwhelming, and shouts at us that if something isn’t a revenue stream, it is of minor importance. That pressure can drown out the deeply human need for refuge. Creating a space that is safe, welcoming, peaceful, and maybe just a little boring is important work. It is anything but a small or limiting task. It can absolutely take everything a person has to give, and it is an endeavor worthy of giving everything you have. If you doubt it, just go ask anyone who never had one. Every participant in a home has to contribute to it or it won’t work, so no matter how many hours you put in at your job this week, don’t forget that you are needed in the place where you live.
2. Home, work, family, career, fun, sacrifice, guilt, fulfillment, it all needs to be part of a bigger picture. There is work to be done in this world, and for whatever reason, it seems that we are more useful in groups, (families, churches, communities, offices,) than we are as individuals. We are also more dangerous in groups, but more on that later. Every family looks a little different, but whatever yours is like, it’s been given to you for a reason. What is the mission God has given your family? What contribution can you make to the lives of others? What is that you can share because of what you are already sharing? Servant-hood, not out of guilt but out of purpose, may be the best path to fulfillment.
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